


But You Let Him Go

by LeahBellaRose



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I also don't know how to write summaries, I did this to make you all scream, I really went self indulgent on processing anxiety disorders, I'm Sorry, I've been working on this one for years, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Break Up, also I don't know how long paragraphs are supposed to be don't ask me, i don't know why i did this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:33:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21709180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeahBellaRose/pseuds/LeahBellaRose
Summary: After the banquet, Yuri notices some changes in his and Victor's relationship.  When he gets his heart broken by his lover, Yuri must manage to continue life and skating without him.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri & Victor Nikiforov, Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 8
Kudos: 145





	But You Let Him Go

Victor was unusually quiet during the banquet. This was not what Yuri was expecting. He expected them to go into the banquet, for Victor to drink and insist they dance together, kiss him and congratulate him. At worst, he expected Victor to jokingly chastise Yuri for not winning gold, refusing to kiss him until he’s had a substantial amount of alcohol and couldn’t keep up the façade anymore

That’s all that Yuri was expecting. What he didn’t expect was heavy silence between them. He truly expected light conversation, a few “I’m proud of you”s tossed here and there, and the excitement that had, apparently, been there at the last banquet. However, Victor, who would normally stay close by Yuri’s side (and getting closer as the clothes were shed off), wandered off quite a few times, disappearing with Chris once or twice.

Halfway through the banquet, Yuri confessed his concerns to Phichit.

“If you’re concerned, maybe you should talk to Victor,” Phichit had suggested.

“I don’t want to start a fight if it’s nothing…” Yuri responded dejectedly. “I’m just…” Yuri trailed off, not wanting to finish his sentence.

“You’re just what?”

“I’m just worried. I love him Phichit. I love him so much, and I don’t know what to do. The skating season is over, and I don’t know if he’s going to keep being my coach or if he’s going to stay with me or-”

“Yuri,” Phichit interrupted, “Victor is crazy for you. He loves you more than air itself. Maybe he’s just quiet because he’s thinking the same thing as you.”

“Yeah… I guess so,” Yuri responded. 

“He’s probably concerned about his future, as well as yours. But really, this sounds like a conversation you should be having with him.”

Yuri was inclined to agree, but confrontation never was one of his strong suits.

***

The flight back to Japan was as uneventful as the banquet. Victor quietly slept next to Yuri. Yuri was painfully aware of how Victor leaned on the window for support, not on Yuri’s shoulder. He was aware of how Victor walked just a step ahead of him in the airport, not next to him. He was especially aware that the first thing Victor did when they got to Hasetsu was head into his room, not ask for katsudon or beg Yuri to join him in the hot springs. When Yuri caught Victor coming back from the hot springs without him, that was the final straw.

Yuri poked his head out of his bedroom door and called into the hallway, “Victor?”

Victor stepped out of his room and into the hall. “Hm?”

Yuri looked down at his feet. Here went nothing. “Could you…. Could you come in here?”

Yuri noticed as Victor took a deep breath and planted a forced smile on his face, walking into Yuri’s room without so much as looking at him as they passed. He sat down on the bed and looked up at Yuri.

“Yes?”

Yuri sat at the desk and swiveled the chair to look at Victor. “Is…” his voice was weak, a high squeak that was barely audible. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Is everything ok? You’ve been distant.”

Victor smiled dryly and leaned a little closer to Yuri.

“Yuri, I think you were right, we should end this.”

Yuri’s eyes widened. “I thought we agreed upon that already. You’re going to go back to skate-”

“No, Yuri. End this. Us.”

Yuri was sure his draw dropped completely to the floor. A million questions flew through his mind. Why? Where did this come from? Did he do something wrong? Did Victor find someone else? However, all that managed to come out of his mouth was a small squeak that tried to pass as a, “What?”

Victor looked down at the floor, then back up at Yuri. Still with that same dry smile. That damned smile.

“Yuri, if I’m going to go back to competitive skating, I need to stop messing around. I’m sure you understand.”

Yuri blanched, his mouth open and gaping like a fish. “Messing….” He started, then swallowed. His skin was pale and he was at a loss for words. “This was just… messing around?” Yuri asked, breathless. It couldn’t be true. Not after everything…. Not after the kiss, the rings, the engagement…. Yuri could feel the walls closing in on him. There wasn’t enough air in the room, no, there wasn’t enough air in the entire world. His lungs burned as he ached for air. How was there suddenly no air?

“I’m sorry if I led you on, but I’m sure you understand.” With that, Victor stood up and began walking toward the door. He stopped before he stepped out, still smiling, still fucking smiling. “I’m leaving for St. Petersburg tomorrow. In the morning. Don’t worry about the coaching fees. You were more than hospitable. Goodbye Yuri.” With that, Victor stepped out of the door, without another word.

Tears began to flow freely down Yuri’s face. He couldn’t believe this had happened, it had to be a dream, no, a nightmare. Victor would never be that cold and uncaring, not after all they went through together.

What Yuri didn’t see as Victor closed the door behind him was the way Victor screwed up his face in an attempt not to cry. What he didn’t see was Victor clutch his chest and put his other hand over his mouth to stop from crying out. It was only when Victor turned off the lights and got into bed that tears started falling. He could hear Yuri in the other room let out a sob, an almost animal like sound that resembled more like a scream. He listened to him sobbing for what felt like hours. Eventually it died down into sniffles and gasping breaths. And finally, he fell into what Victor assumed would be a restless sleep. Victor screwed up his face again, trying desperately not to cry. He did what he had to. It was for Yuri’s own good. But he couldn’t get the words out of his head, “messing around.” Everything with Yuri had been far from messing around. But this is what he had to do. It was for Yuri’s own good. He would always put Yuri over himself. Victor, too, eventually fell into a restless sleep, tossing and turning with images of Yuri flowing through his head.

***

The next few days passed in a blur for Yuri. He moved around like a zombie. He ignored his parent’s questions about what was wrong, but they were understanding, not pressing the matter. He spent a majority of his time in bed. He couldn’t eat and could barely speak. On the rare occasion he did feel something, it usually wasn’t sadness, but instead rage. He was outraged that Victor would do something like this. After all they went through. After breaking down Yuri’s walls and helping him open up both on and off the ice, and suddenly he just left? It wasn’t fair.

About a week after the breakup, in one particularly nasty bout of rage, he wound up tearing up all of his old posters of Victor he had stored under his bed. He went into a blind rage, ripping and tearing until he found himself on the floor thirty minutes later, exhausted and surrounded by shredded paper.

The one thing Yuri couldn’t stop himself from doing was waiting by the phone. Every second of everyday he was waiting for his phone to chime, for Victor to call or text and apologize, say he loved and needed Yuri. It was two weeks after the breakup that Yuri’s phone did ring, and he eagerly jumped on his bed, desperate to pick it up before it stopped ringing. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Victor, but rather a video chat request from Phichit. He answered it anyway.

”You look rough,” was the first thing out of Phichit’s mouth.

Yuri rolled his eyes, ignoring his friend’s statement. A moment of silence passed until his friend spoke again.

“I heard about you and Victor.”

Yuri blanched at the name of his ex-lover before attempting to compose himself.

“How did you find out?”

Phitchit avoided his eyes. “Oh, you know… just heard it somewhere.”

“So everyone knows, then?”

Phichit smiled softly. “Pretty much… yeah…. Nobody knows any details though. Actually it’s split fifty fifty over who broke up with who.”

Yuri groaned and fell back onto the bed.

“But we don’t need to talk about that right now!” Phichit quickly added. “As curious as I am, more than anything I’m here to listen to you, Yuri. And no one will find out the details until you want them to. Not even my twitter followers,” he added dejectedly.

At this, Yuri had to laugh. It was the first time he laughed in weeks, and he surprised himself more than he did Phichit.

“You know, Phichit… the worst part is the waiting. I keep waiting for him to call or text and apologize.” He took a deep, shuttering breath as he began to feel tears form in his eyes. He knew any second his voice would crack, and if it had been anyone other than his best friend, he would be mortified. “And I don’t know how much longer I can go without texting him. I know I shouldn’t, but I keep thinking about it. His number is in my phone and he’s on Instagram and at any second I could-”

“So delete him.”

Yuri’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Delete his number, block him on social media.”

Yuri shook his head furiously. “No, no, what if-”

“What if what? Yuri, as of right now, you have no need for him in your life. Right now, I’m under the assumption that he broke up with you, and I’ll kill him for you later, but for now, just delete him. If, for whatever possible reason, something changes and you need to contact him, you know dozens of skaters with his number. He’s not going to be that hard to contact if you really want to.” Phichit looked over his shoulder suddenly, and shouted, “I’ll be right there!” He turned back to his phone. “Sorry, Yuri, I have to go. I’ll text you later, but seriously. He has no place in your life right now. Work hard on skating, help your parent’s in the inn, and for God’s sake call me every once in a while.”

Yuri smiled at that last statement. “Alright. Thanks, Phichit. Bye.”

Yuri stared at his phone after Phichit hung up for what seemed like hours until he finally opened his contacts. He closed his eyes and took a breath, then went down to the V section, where the only name was “Vitya ❤”. Yuri could feel his eyes brim with tears again, and he quickly clicked on the contact and hit delete, not even bothering to consider the pros and cons. Phichit was right. If he really wanted the number back, basically any skater he knew could give it to him. Empowered by his decision to delete the number, he then went on to block his ex fiancé on every social media he could think of, all while avoiding looking at photos of him.

Yuri heaved a sigh of relief. For the first time, he felt things just maybe, might start getting better.  
***

A month after the breakup, and Yuri was feeling just a little bit better. He texted or video chatted with Phichit pretty much everyday, he kept in contact with the other skaters, primarily Minami, Leo and Guang Hong, and he even talked to Sara a few times, of course with Michele not far behind, demanding what Yuri’s “intentions with his sister were.” Both Yuri and Sara got a good laugh out of that.

Yes, it had been a month since the breakup, and Yuri was feeling better. Not great, of course, but better. He had gotten his appetite back, he helped his parents around the inn, and he skated everyday. He also ate katsudon freely, no longer hindered by the “needing to win something” rule. In fact, he ate katsudon a little too freely, just maybe in an indirect attempt to spite Victor.

It was an average night for Yuri. He had just finished helping clean up the inn and was laying on his bed, playing a game on his phone, when he got a text. He assumed it was Phichit, as they hadn’t talked that day, but when he opened his messages, he realized it was an unknown number.

(Unknown): Я скучаю по тебе.

Yuri stared at his phone. He recognized the text as being in Russian, but who…? Of course, Yuri’s brain immediately shot to him, but he knew Yuri couldn’t read Russian. And why would he text him at such an odd hour of the night? It was nearly 3am in Japan, even if it was only 8pm in Russia. Eventually, Yuri settled on it being one of the Russian skaters who’s number he didn’t have mixing him up with Yurio.

Yuri: Sorry, I think you texted the wrong Yuri! This is Yuri Kasuki (Japanese Yuri) ^-^

Yuri left it at that, not expecting a response.

Unknown: I know.

This left Yuri questioning his thought process. Who would text him in a language he couldn’t read? He knew he could translate it, but on the off chance it really was meant for someone else, he didn’t want to intrude on a private conversation.

Yuri: Ah, I’m sorry, but who is this? Also I can’t read Russian ^^;

Unknown: You don’t have my number?

Yuri: No, I’m sorry!

Feeling rude, Yuri decided to send a second message.

Yuri: Maybe my phone deleted it by itself. Sorry!

Yuri sat up in his bed, waiting for a response, but none came.

***

Within the next few weeks, Yuri received multiple texts in Russian.

Unknown: Я думаю о тебе.

Unknown: Ты всегда в моих мыслях.

Unknown: Я не могу жить без тебя.

Despite his curiosity, Yuri never translated them, for fear of intruding on a private conversation that was not meant for him.

Two weeks after the initial text, Yuri relieved a text from the last person he expected.

Yurio: Oi Pig. What did you do to Victor?

Yuri recoiled at his ex’s name, but nonetheless responded.

Yuri: What do you mean?

Yurio: You know damn well what I mean.

This only confused Yuri further. Of course he had no idea. He hadn’t spoken to Victor in a month and a half.

Yuri: Victor broke up with me over a month and a half ago. I haven’t talked to him since.

Yuri waited for a response, but again, none came. After about fifteen minutes, Yuri received a video chat request from Yurio, which he hesitantly opened.

“Hi Yurio,” Yuri greeted in an attempt to be friendly. Yurio, true to his nature, got right to the point.

“You broke up with Victor?” he asked darkly.

Yuri looked away from the phone. It was hard enough admitting this to any of the skaters, but especially so Yurio.

“No, he broke up with me,” Yuri revealed softly.

There was a long silence, and eventually Yuri looked back at his phone to find a dumbfounded Yurio.

“You should come to Russia,” Yurio finally stated, staring blankly through the phone at Yuri.

Yuri was pretty sure his eyes had never gone as wide as they did after that statement.

“W-what??”

“Come to St. Petersburg, dummy,” Yurio responded with an eye roll. “You should talk-” the younger boy paused for a second, as if thinking better of what he was about to say. He cleared his throat and continued. “You should talk to Yakov. Look, you don’t have a coach, and Yakov can take on another student, I’ve already talked to him about it.” Yurio blanched and shook his head. “Not for you! It was for Beka, but he already has a coach. So I guess you’re the next worst bet. Come to Russia. You sure as hell would be better off here with a coach than in Japan with no coach.” Throughout his dialog, Yurio avoided Yuri’s eyes, as if his motive was different than the one he said he had.

Yuri considered this. Yakov was a great coach, and he didn’t want to go back to Celestino.

“Wouldn’t it be weird?” Yuri asked.

Yurio rolled his eyes and snorted.

“Since when have you ever been worried about being weird?” Yuri was about to respond, however Yurio continued. “It’s fine. You want to continue to skate? Come to Russia, pig. Be there by next Monday.” With that, Yurio hung up, leaving Yuri to his own thoughts.

***

It took about a week, but Yuri eventually decided to go to Russia. He wanted to continue to skate, and he did need a coach. If his other students were anything to go by, Yakov was obviously Yuri’s best bet if he wanted to get gold.

As he relayed this information to his family, they smiled sadly but ultimately understood. Later that night as he was packing, a knock sounded on his doorframe and he turned around to see Mari.

“Yuri,” she started, stepping into the room and sitting down at his desk. “You know I’ll always support you, right?”

Yuri’s eyebrows knitted together, unsure where she was going with this. “Yes, of course.”

“Do you really think this is the best idea? You know you’re going to be seeing Vic-”

“I know,” Yuri interrupted. He still wasn’t keen on hearing his name. “It’s going to be hard, but if it gets to be too much, I know I can always come back home.”

Mari nodded slowly. “Yuri, thinking you’re ready and actually being ready to see him are two different things. Remember when I dated Hachi? I saw him at the store six months after we broke up, and I almost cried. That was six months after, Yuri. I was over him, but it was still painful. You can be over a person, but not over the situation they put you through.”

“Mari, the best thing I could possibly do is beat Victor in a competition. My best chance to do that is studying under Yakov.”

Mari nodded understandingly. “Ok. I’m not going to stop you, I just don’t want you to get any more hurt. And Yuri, one more thing….” Mari took a deep breath and looked down at her fingers which were fiddling nervously on her lap. “Victor is a good looking guy. He’s arguably the most famous skater in the world right now. So just… Just be prepared if he’s not… if there’s someone else with him.”

Yuri stilled and looked up at his sister. He hadn’t thought about that. He hadn’t thought about the very real possibility that Victor was now with someone else, or at least sleeping around. A heavy silence fell over the siblings, and finally Yuri spoke up.

“I know. But it will never get in the way of skating. He will never get in the way of me skating again.”

Mari nodded and smiled sadly at her brother. “Right, well… Just be careful, ok? And make sure you call us every once in a while!” With that she tussled his hair and stepped out of the room.

***

Yuri only had a few days to adjust to the time difference in St. Petersburg, and he spent the majority of his first day there fighting off sleep until it was a proper hour. By the time Monday morning rolled around, he was still exhausted, though far better than he was his first day in Russia. 

When Monday came around and it was officially time for Yuri to start his training under Yakov, for the first time in over a month he wasn’t thinking about Victor. He knew Yakov would work him hard, probably chastise him for gaining weight. Despite his concerns about Yakov, they seemed to quell as he got closer and closer to the rink. Thoughts of Victor crept into his mind, in spite of Yuri’s best effort to mute those worries. He worried, obviously, about what it would be like to see his ex again, but he also worried about the other skaters. Although Yurio had invited him to Russia, Yuri had no idea how the other skaters would view him. Undoubtedly they heard Victors side of the story, and had sided with him. Yuri could almost feel the oppressing locker room silence and judgmental stares as he walked into the rink.

Or so he thought.

As he walked into the rink, he was immediately greeted by Mila as she pulled him into a fierce hug.

“Yuri! Welcome to our rink! Everyone’s excited to see you skate again.” Yuri idly wondered who “everyone” was. He was then greeted by Georgi, who immediately began talking about his new girlfriend. Then Yurio came over, greeted him snidely by calling him pig and saying how he would need to lose weight before the next competition.

As everyone retreated to the ice or locker room, Yuri looked around the room, and he couldn’t help but realize Victor was no where to be seen. He decided he would check- no, change in the locker room. His mind was filled with questions. He wondered what had happened to his ex. Yurio had asked what Yuri had done to Victor, so maybe something had happened. Had Victor quit skating? As much resentment as Yuri felt toward Victor, he would have hated to be the reason why he quit skating. 

Yuri was deep in these thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and nearly jumped three feet in the air. 

He spun around as a joyful voice said, “Ah, sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you!”

Yuri turned to see a guy about his age, maybe a year or two younger. His skin was pale, but he had dark brown hair with dyed pink tips that hung just below his ear lobes. The weird thing was that Yuri was sure he had never seen this guy before in his life. Reading this on Yuri’s face, the guy introduced himself.

“Sorry, we’ve never met! I’m Dominick. You’re Yuri Katsuki, right?”

Yuri nodded slowly, still unsure about this new guy. “Nice to meet you.”

“I saw your Eros routine at the Grand Prix Final last year, it was amazing!”

“I’m surprised I haven’t met you then. I thought I’ve met all of the Russian skaters.”

Dominik beamed and shook his head enthusiastically. “I’m Polish! I’ve been training in Poland until this year. My old coach retired and recommended that train under Yakov.”

“Well I’m sure it’ll be fun sharing a rink with you,” Yuri responded amicably. “I’m glad I’m not the only new person.”

“Yes! I’m excited to see your performances this year. I’m sure it’ll be just as beautiful as last year.”

Yuri felt a light blush light his cheeks, but thanked the younger man and walked to get changed in the now empty locker room.

***  
Within the next few days, he neither saw or heard any evidence that Victor existed. Once or twice he walked in on other skaters and they would fall silent, though Yuri’s understanding of Russian was still minimal. He and Dominik talked often and even got dinner together after practice once. It was after Yuri’s practice one day that he finally decided to bring up the subject.

“Dominik?”

Dominik looked up from tying his skates. “Hm?”

Yuri closed his eyes and took deep breath. “Where… um…” He cleared his throat and tried again. “I haven’t seen Victor around. Is he….?” He trailed off, no finishing the question, but Dominik understood all the same.

“He’s… I think he’s just taking a break. I know Yuri was trying to get him to come back to the rink. I doubt your practice times will overlap though, so if you’re worried about running into him-”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just… before I came here, Yurio kind of accused me of doing something to Victor, until I told him that Victor was the one who broke up with me. He didn’t specify though.”

“Honestly I couldn’t tell you. I haven’t seen him since the Grand Prix Final.”

Yuri was about to answer when he saw Dominik’s eyes diverted and he blanched, as if he had just seen a ghost. Yuri followed his eyes and looked behind him to the door, where…

“Yuri…” Victor said, almost inaudibly.

Yuri’s mind went blank, however his mouth seemed to move without his permission.

“Hello.” Normally Yuri would have been embarrassed by his formality, but at this point he was operating on autopilot. There was a long silence before Yuri continued. “How are you?”

The silence continued. Yuri thought the silence would continue forever before Victor stiffened even more and answered.

“Fine.” That was all he said before he promptly turned around and walked out of the locker room.

Yuri was torn between crying and confusion. He looked back at Dominik helplessly, but he just gave a small smile and shrug.

***

“He hasn’t posted on any social media lately. Not even a picture of Makkachin on Instagram. He’s been pretty MIA on all fronts,” Phichit noted later that night on video chat. “Most people think he’s just retired quietly. Some people think he’s still your coach. I saw like two people who think he’s actually dead.” At that last statement, both Yuri and Phichit chuckled. After his run in with his ex, Yuri was in no fit state to find anything enjoyable, and yet Phichit always had a way of making him feel better.

“Well, I can tell you for a fact he’s not dead,” Yuri responded rather glumly after the giggling died down. “He’s alive and well, somewhere in St. Petersburg.”

“Well he’s alive. I’m not sure about well,” Phichit responded, averting his eyes from the screen.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

Yuri stalled for a second, before responding. “Phichit, what are you thinking?” Despite his friend’s somewhat eccentric nature, he still valued his opinion.

Phichit was silent for a minute, though to Yuri it seemed like a year. He was about to prompt his friend again when Phichit responded.

“I think Victor isn’t doing as well as you think he is.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yuri responded, somewhat defensively. If anyone knew his ex, it was Yuri, obviously! He had loved the man, for God’s sake!

“Don’t get so defensive. All I’m saying is that I think Victor is going through some stuff. I mean, if I had to say my opinion…” At this, Phichit trailed off.

“What?” Yuri responded quietly.

Phichit looked at the camera, dead in Yuri’s eyes. “I think he still loves you.”

Silence.

Yuri couldn’t think of anything to say. After what seemed like an eternity, Yuri responded.

“Don’t start that. He broke up with me, remember?”

“You asked for my opinion and I gave it,” Phichit responded. Before Yuri could react, Phichit began again. “Look, all I’m saying is that I think the breakup wasn’t easy on him.”

“Phichit…”

“I’m just saying you don’t know why he did it. That’s all. Sometimes people do dumb things they regret.”

Yuri looked away from the camera and down at his lap.

“I don’t think so, Phichit. You weren’t there when he broke up with me, you didn’t see how he…” Yuri’s voice broke and tears began to form in his eyes. “You weren’t there.”

Phichit nodded.

“You’re right, I wasn’t. And I’m sorry it happened. He shouldn’t have done it at all, but I’m just saying maybe you don’t know the full story.”

Yuri knew if they talked about this anymore he would begin crying for real, so all he said was, “Yeah, maybe….”

***  
The following days found Yuri with Phichit’s words ringing through his head. Maybe he should have never come to Russia. He was sure the Japanese team would have taken him, or Celestino would have taken him back. If anything, Yuri would have benefited from living with Phichit again. He was lost in those thoughts one Monday morning as he entered the rink. Dominick and Mila were there to greet him, Mila having just finished her practice, and Dominick half way through his. Yuri went into the changing room where he was surprised to find Yurio stretching.

“Oh, hey Yurio. I didn’t think you’d be here.”

Yurio sneered. “Where else would I be?”

Yuri chuckled. At least one thing hadn’t changed.

“You’re hair’s gotten longer,” Yuri remarked.

“And?” Yurio glared at him.

“Nothing, it looks nice.” Yuri thought for a second he saw Yurio smile, but soon enough he was back to sneering.

“You should be focused more on your skating.”

“What makes you think I’m not?” Yuri said with a teasing smile. “I have a new routine.”

If Yuri didn’t know any better, he’d have said Yurio looked curious.

“Yeah, well, you’re going to need it if you want to beat… me, this year.” 

Yuri noticed the pause in his sentence, but said nothing about it and chuckled instead. “We have the same coach now, Yurio. There’s no way not to beat you.

Yurio blanched and looked at him.

“What happened to you?” he demanded.

Yuri was taken aback. “What do you mean?”

Yurio shrugged. “You’re… different.”

Yuri considered this. He thought back to when he first met Yurio, when he was crying in that bathroom stall.

“A lot’s changed,” he simply said.

Yurio just looked at Yuri.

“Whatever. It better be a good routine.”

Yuri smiled slightly, but Yurio’s words still rung in his head. Maybe he really had changed.

***  
Soon enough Yuri was warming up on the ice. Between his warmups he watched Dominick on the ice, pulling off flips and turns with ease. Yuri wondered briefly if his new friend would become a major competitor. He couldn’t help but compare Dominick’s routine with Victor’s old routines, but tried to snap himself out of it. Looking back on Victor’s old routines could do nothing for Yuri now. Not like it used to. Now it brought him nothing but sadness.

Soon enough Dominick’s practice was over, and it was Yuri’s turn. He handed the CD of his music to Yakov, a beautiful piano tune by his composer friend.

Yuri took a breath and began his routine. The melody was a melancholy piano tune that became more hopeful as it drew near the end. Yuri thought it was a perfect choice for this year’s theme, “heartbreak.”

Yuri put all of his effort into his practice, and by the end he was breathless and sweaty. He took Yakov’s words and criticisms to heart and made a mental note of them all. Before he left, Yakov dropped one last bomb on him.

“On Friday, all my students will perform in front of each other and get critiqued.” Behind his tough exterior, Yuri thought Yakov looked a bit apprehensive. Yuri was about to tell him it was a great idea, until he realized what that meant.

“All… all of your students?”

Yakov nodded solemnly. “It is mandatory.”

Yuri nodded. He was excited to see all of the other’s work, but he also knew who he would definitely have to see. Yuri composed himself and forced a smile.

“Sounds fun.”

***  
That night, Yuri went out to dinner with Dominick and shared the news. Dominick nodded along as Yuri told him what Yakov had said in a gloomy tone.

“Yeah, Yakov told me about that,” Dominick said when Yuri was finished. “You think you’re going to be ok?”

Yuri shrugged. “I really don’t know. It’s not like I can beat him,” he said dejectedly.

“You’d be surprised, Yuri. He’s not a god. He has flaws. More than you think.”

Yuri smiled a bit, coming slightly out of his dark mood. He didn’t know how he did it, but Dominick had a way of making him feel better.

“Definitely more than I used to think,” Yuri finally said with a smirk. Dominick snorted and lightly kicked Yuri under the table.

“You’ll see. Just do your routine the best you can, stay in the moment and don’t get caught up in what could or might happen.”

Yuri nodded and smiled at Dominick. 

“I know. Thank you.” 

They finished the rest of their meals laughing and talking about less serious matters.

***  
The days moved faster than Yuri would have liked, and soon enough it was a rainy Friday morning as Yuri made his way to the rink. He had butterflies in his stomach and felt nauseous, anxiety creeping around his throat and organs like sentient vines. He tried to keep Dominick’s words in mind, to stay present and focus on what’s currently happening. He began to count his steps in counts of 10, controlling his breathing as he walked. By the time he got to the rink, the anxiety was still there, but he felt more in control.

When everyone was changed and warmed up, they lined up in the order in which they’d be skating. Yuri couldn’t help but notice only one person was missing, the person he was dreading the most to come in contact with.  
Mila was the first to skate and she was just as graceful and beautiful as ever. There wasn’t much to critique other than a few jumps and spins that needed cleaning up. The critique session was more about what she did well, as it turned out.

Next was Yurio. He skated to some punk song Yuri didn’t recognize. He could tell the lyrics were in English, but they were so loud and fast he couldn’t really keep up. Yurio skated with more emotion than Yuri had ever seen in the younger boy, and he found himself proud of Yurio for expressing himself. Yurio’s routine was great, but that didn’t stop Yakov from fixating on every little miss step. If he was that hard on Yurio, Yuri feared for his life about what they would say about his routine. He swallowed a ball in his throat and concentrated on breathing. Just as Yakov was at the end of his rant, the rink doors opened and Yuri was pulled out of his meditation as his eyes drew toward the rink door and he watched Victor walk in.

Victor looked like he had seen better days. His once perfect hair was dull and slightly disheveled, as if he hadn’t gotten it cut in some time. His eyes were slightly red and he had bags under his eyes like he hadn’t been sleeping well. Still, Victor walked in with his head held high, daring anyone to say anything. He got his skates on and walked onto the ice, as he was scheduled to go on after Yurio. Yakov chewed him out for being late and gave him a lecture on being more responsible. Finally he calmed down enough to put in Victor’s music and Victor skated to the center of the rink. Despite himself, Yuri found himself fixated on Victor as he began skating. He once again felt like the inspired little boy he used to be.

A beautiful, violin heavy song rang through the rink as Victor gracefully glided around the ice. As he ramped up for his first jump, his limbs extending beautifully as he flew through the air—

And fell down onto the ice. Yuri almost couldn’t believe his eyes. He couldn’t recall a single time he had seen Victor fall in his entire career. He watched with wide eyes as Victor shakily got up and continued his routine. By the time he was done, Victor had fallen twice and messed up one of his spins. Yuri’s mind raced, and he thought back to what Yurio had said when he had called Yuri over two months ago now. He wondered if this was what he meant when he insinuated something was wrong.

Victor didn’t even wait for feedback, he just exited the rink to the changing rooms.

Yuri gathered himself enough to realize it was his turn to skate. Yakov just looked at the changing room door and sighed, before motioning for Yuri to come up. Yuri took a deep breath and tried to focus on the present moment. He fixated on the slight reverberations in his skates as he slid across the ice, and the way the cold air burnt his lungs in a familiar way. He took one last deep breath and looked up from the center of the rink, waiting for the queue to start. He smiled weakly at Dominick as he gave him a thumbs up and a wide smile from the other side of the ice. 

Yuri slowly began to skate as the music flowed through the air and into his body. He moved with the music, jumped with the melancholy beats of the piano keys, spun with the crescendos and hit nearly every move with perfect accuracy. Finally the music faded to a few simple notes and Yuri spun to a stop as the last note played. Heaving with emotion and physical exertion, he slowly skated off the ice and into his group of peers. Almost immediately, he felt himself be tackled by another person. He was ashamed when his first thought was Victor, his mind going back to their first kiss.

When he looked up, Dominick was giving him a hug.

“Yuri, that was amazing!” he gushed. Yuri felt heat rise up to his cheeks and he hesitantly hugged Dominick back, thanking him. When he looked up over Dominick’s shoulder as he let go, he saw Victor standing by the changing room door.

They locked eyes for a few painful seconds, Victors eyes wide but his face otherwise unreadable. It was Victor who broke eye contact, whipping his head away and walking right out of the rink.

Yuri’s mind was heavy with emotions as he received the critique from his peers. They all congratulated him and told him it was a great routine. Even Yurio said he could see improvement from last year, which was as close to a compliment as he could probably get from the younger boy. He tried his hardest to pay attention to the critique, but found his mind continuing to go back to his odd encounter with Victor.

***  
Even a few hours later, Yuri still found himself fixated on the encounter. Practice ended without further incident and as Yuri made his way back to his apartment, he found himself wishing he had brought more comfort items with him from Japan, or had some kind of animal to go home too. He didn’t want to admit it, but he missed having Maka around and someone to come home too. In desperation not to be alone, he pulled out his phone and texted Dominick.

Yuri: Hey, want to go out to dinner? ^-^

A few seconds later, a message from Dominick appeared.  
Dominick: One of my old skating partners is in the area and I said I’d show him around. I’m sorry :(

Yuri sighed and replied that maybe they could do something this weekend, before putting his phone back in his pocket.

Despite his loneliness, the beginning of the night was uneventful. Yuri made himself some dinner, he opened his laptop and typed out as many as the critiques as he could remember so he would know to work on them, and when that was done he surfed the web and caught up with Phichit over text. It was already too late to call home, even though he was sure Mari would still be up, a night owl like him.

It was around 10PM and Yuri was getting out of the shower. He was just about to get his pajamas on when there was a loud knock at the door. Yuri hesitated a moment. Who would be coming to his apartment at 10PM? His mind wandered to the worst possible scenarios, having been exposed to those dramatic crime shows his mom and Mari loved. He was going to ignore it when there was another knock, more urgent this time.

“Hold on!” Yuri called out in his best, albeit broken Russian. He pulled on a pair of sweatpants and hurried to the door. He pulled it open as much as he could with the chain lock and peered out. He was shocked to see Victor standing out in the rain. Yuri quickly undid the chain and pulled the door open further. Victor’s hair clung to his face from the cold rain and he shivered as he looked gravely at Yuri.

“Victor?” Yuri asked. There was something off about how Victor stood there, his eyes glassy and his body shivering. Despite Yuri’s better judgement, he asked, “Are you ok?”

Yuri barely got the words out before Victor slipped past him and into the warm living room, dripping water on the carpet. Yuri found himself getting more annoyed by this than he was confused.

“What are you doing here?” Yuri asked coldly, glaring at the ever growing wet mark on the floor.

Victor turned to look at him, his face hard and angry, much to Yuri’s surprise.

“So you were just going to start dating another skater as soon as you got to Russia?”

Yuri took a step back, his anger melting slightly into confusion.

“What are you talking about, Victor?”

Victor raised his arms and gestured around, as if it were obvious, like he had just caught Yuri in the middle of passionate love making.

“Daniel, David, whatever his name is!”

“Dominick?”

Victor sneered as if that proved his point. He swayed slightly and pointed at Yuri.

“Yes. Him.”

Yuri looked at him curiously, a strange mix of anger and amusement.

“Victor, are you drunk?”

“What does that matter?”

Yuri found the anger winning over the confusion and amusement. He marched up to Victor.

“It matters! You haven’t talked to me since you broke up with me! Now you’re in my apartment and drunk and talking nonsense!” He poked at Victor’s chest. “Even if I was dating Dominick, what would it matter to you?”

“Why wouldn’t it?” Victor shot back.

“Because!” Yuri was hyper aware of how loud his voice was getting. He took a breath and tried to center himself. 

“Victor,” Yuri said darkly, his voice lowered. “You broke up with me, out of the blue. You don’t get to have any say in who I see, or in this case don’t!”

Victor was still angry, seemingly unaware of how loud he was. Yuri subconsciously worried his neighbors would complain.

“So you just hop on the dick of the first skater you meet here?” Victor said loudly, completely ignoring everything Yuri had just said. Yuri felt pure rage boil up in his stomach.

“He’s my friend! Maybe you wouldn’t recognize it because you’ve never had one!” Yuri could hardly believe he said the words, but he stood his ground, looking grimly at Victor.

Victor’s eyes widened and for a second Yuri was sure Victor was going to hit him, but instead he stumbled back and fell heavily onto the couch and put his head in his hands. Yuri was more taken aback by that than he would have been from Victor hitting him. Yuri looked down at Victor, still soaking wet, who looked so desperate and hopeless, shivering on the couch. Yuri sighed and knelt in front of him.

“Do you want a towel?” Yuri asked gently.

There was a moment of silence between the two before Victor gave him the slightest nod. Yuri walked over to the linen closet and got out a couple of towels.

“Why don’t you get out of your wet clothes and get dried off, then changed into something of mine?”

Another silence, then Victor looked up at Yuri. His eyes were red from crying. He gave another silent nod and stood up from the couch and walked into Yuri’s room. Yuri made himself busy by cleaning up the water from the couch and floor, then began making a cup of tea.

After a few minutes, Victor walked out in a pair of Yuri’s sweatpants and an old T-Shirt. If he didn’t resemble a miserable drowned rat, Yuri may have thought Victor looked sexy in his clothes.

Yuri held out a tea cup. “Do you want tea?”

Victor nodded and accepted the cup. He blew on it gently before taking a small sip. There was a small silence as Victor sipped his tea.

“It’s good,” he remarked quietly. Yuri thanked him and sipped at his own tea. It was a tea he had brought with him from Japan, and Yuri felt comfort in the familiar flavors of home. He was reminded of when he was little and got a cold, his mother would always make this tea. There was another minute of silence between them before Victor spoke again.

“I’m sorry for coming here.”

Yuri set his cup down on the breakfast bar and regarded Victor.

“Why are you here, Victor?” he finally said.

Victor looked at him miserably and shrugged.

“It was dumb…”

Yuri nodded. “It was.”

Victor looked down at his tea, as if asking it for answers.

“I guess… I just saw you with Dominick, and him hugging you, and I got… I was jealous.”

Yuri considered this for a moment as he picked up his tea again.

“That’s stupid,” he finally said.

Victor looked up at him, shocked.

“What?”

“I said, that’s stupid. We’re not even dating, and again, you broke up with me. So even if I was dating Dominick, it shouldn’t be of your concern.”

Victor set his tea down hard on the breakfast bar.

“But it is my concern! I just… I miss you, Yuri! I’ve been missing you….”

“You should have thought about that before you broke up with me!” He knew the words were harsh even as he said them, but at this moment, with so many emotions bubbling up in him, he couldn’t be bothered to care.

“Do you think I wanted to do it?”

Yuri stilled.

“What do you mean?”

Victor gave him a sad smile.

“Yuri, I never wanted to break up with you.”

Yuri knew he should have felt relieved. Instead, he felt angry, even angrier than before. He walked out to Victor and placed his tea down loudly, ignoring the steaming liquid splashing up and on his hand and counter.

“What do you mean, you didn’t want to?” Yuri said loudly, stepping closer to Victor. 

Victor looked taken aback.

“I-“

“So you regret breaking up with me, and now you’re making up some story about how you never wanted to in the first place? That’s bullshit!”

“I’m not making it up!” Victor insisted.

“What are you even trying to accomplish here?” Yuri was so angry he could hardly stand it. “You want to make me feel bad so I beg for you back for your own satisfaction?”

“I’m here to beg for you back!” Victor asserted.

Yuri paused. He took a step back. He stared at Victor, then stared some more. 

“What?”

Victor took a step forward, his eyes pleading and desperate.

“I never wanted to break up with you. It killed me, Yuri.”

Yuri could feel tears coming to his eyes. He almost wanted to believe Victor. 

“Why did you do it?”

Victor smiled sadly. “I did it so I wouldn’t get in your way.”

Yuri stared at him as he took in the words. Victor Nikiforov didn’t want to get in his way. There was a long silence between them, and then, to both Victor and Yuri’s surprise, Yuri began laughing. He laughed until he could barely catch his breath. Finally, he choked out,

“That is… the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” Yuri continued laughing bitterly. “You really expect me to believe that?”

Victor looked at the laughing Yuri indignantly.

“It’s true!”

Yuri managed to calm himself down enough to regard Victor.

“Right, Victor. You should go home.”

Victor looked at him like a kicked puppy.

“How can I make you believe me?” he finally said quietly. Yuri considered this.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have broken up with me. But you can’t very well go back to the past, so I’m not sure what you’re goal here is, Victor. You ‘didn’t want to get in my way?’ That’s ridiculous. Don’t try to lie your way out of this, Victor.” Yuri knew it was harsh even as he said the words. For a moment he almost regretted it, but he was so tired of the emotional turmoil Victor had put him through, he couldn’t be bothered to care. He stared at Victor, daring him to say a word to the contrary. However, he soon began to feel the slightest bit of remorse as he watched tears form in Victor’s eyes. The tears spilled over and streamed down Victor’s face. He cried silently, barely making facial expressions. He just stared ahead at Yuri, his eyes pleading. Yuri took a breath.

“Victor, I was just starting to get over… all of this,” he gestured between the two of them. “It’s not fair of you to do this to me. Tell me the real reason you broke up with me.”

Victor sighed and sat down on a stool at the counter.

“That was the real reason…mostly. Yuri…” he breathed out Yuri’s name, his voice despondent. “I got scared. I didn’t…” he hiccupped and took a sip of tea. “I didn’t know if we could compete and still be ok together. I didn’t want for one of us to win and the other to be resentful. I didn’t want skating to get between us, so I…. I just decided. I thought it would be easier if I just…”

“Broke my heart?”

Victor looked up at Yuri, his eyes pleading for Yuri to understand. “I was scared, Yuri. I was so scared.”

“And you didn’t consider that we could have worked that out? You didn’t trust in us, in me, enough to think we could take any problems as they came? Instead of breaking my heart?” Yuri’s voice broke as he said that last part and tears began to fall from his eyes.

The wounds Victor had left were ripped open and fresh again. Yuri’s chest felt as if were being ripped open by the claws of some demon. His breath quickened and he balled up his fists and pressed them against his eyes as tears began to flow freely down his face. Before he knew it, Victor was wrapping his arms around Yuri, holding him tightly as Yuri sobbed, all of the emotions from the last few months flowing out of him. Victor smelled of alcohol over the more familiar scent of his cologne. He held Yuri tightly and whispered into his hair, sometimes in Russian, sometimes in English, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Yuri.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes, or maybe an hour. Yuri truly didn’t know. All he felt as the tears stopped was heavy emotion was weighing down on his body. He buried his face in Victor’s chest, so familiar but so different after months of being away. It was like coming back to a home that had been occupied by another family while away. Yuri finally calmed down, suddenly exhausted, the emotions and tears wiping him out. He took a deep, shaky breath. Victor lifted Yuri’s head up by the chin and hesitantly kissed his forehead before speaking in a quiet, soothing tone.

“Do you want to go to bed?’

Yuri nodded mutely against Victor’s chest.

“Do you want me to go home?”

Yuri didn’t think he could stand being alone. Not tonight. Not after everything that just transpired. He looked up at Victor and slowly shook his head. He took a breath and spoke.

“You can stay here tonight,” Yuri said quietly.

Victor nodded and unwrapped his arms from Yuri. He made a move to go to the couch but Yuri caught him by the arm. He took a deep breath.

“You can sleep with me, if you like.” He thought he saw Victor give a faint smile, and he allowed himself to be led into Yuri’s room by the hand.

***  
Both Yuri and Victor slept like the dead, the emotional turmoil wiping them both out. Victor held tightly to Yuri’s hand all night, as if afraid to let him go.

The next morning, Yuri woke up and watched Victor’s sleeping form for a while before padding barefoot into the kitchen to make breakfast. Victor walked out just as Yuri was finished cooking.

“That smells really good,” he commented, stretching and rubbing his eyes. Yuri couldn’t help but let his eyes travel to Victor’s midriff as he stretched and Yuri’s old shirt rode up.

Yuri smiled at him weakly and put a plate in front of Victor as he sat down at the breakfast bar. Victor took a few bites of eggs, no doubt needing protein after his night of drinking. He ate about half the plate before he slowed down and slowly put his fork down. He looked up at Yuri.

“Look, Yuri…” Victor started. Yuri felt a cold dread settle in his stomach. Victor had been drunk last night. Nonsensical. He took a shaky breath, ready for Victor to express his remorse for coming to Yuri’s house, ready for Victor to admit his mistake.

“Coming here last night was beyond stupid.” Yuri felt his stomach drop at Victor’s words. He blinked a few times, trying to deter the tears.

As if reading his mind, Victor stood up in a flash.

“No, I mean… I mean coming here drunk, accusing you of things that shouldn’t have been of my concern. I meant everything I said. I just… I shouldn’t have come over like that. It was stupid.”

Yuri looked at him, trying to determine who to believe, Victor or his anxiety. Finally, he spoke.

“It was stupid.”

“It was,” Victor agreed. “Not as stupid as texting you all those nights, but pretty close.”

Yuri was confused until he remembered the mysterious texts in Russian he had received.

“That was you?” he gasped.

Victor chuckled.

“Who else would it have been?”

Yuri looked at him, still shocked. “I don’t know! I thought it was for the other Yuri. You know, I didn’t think it would be someone who broke up with me and then got presumably drunk and texted a Japanese person in a language he barely speaks?”

Victor looked down at his feet, ashamed.

“I’m sorry, Yuri. I’m sorry for everything. The stupidest thing I did, out of everything, was breaking up with you. I regretted it the moment the words left my mouth.”

Yuri nodded. He still wasn’t sure he believed Victor, but he was starting to.

“It’s going to take a lot to trust you again, Victor. We can’t just pick up where we left off.”

Victor nodded vigorously. “I know, I know. And I’ll do anything, everything, to make you trust me again. Whatever it takes. I just need you back in my life, Yuri.”

Yuri considered him for a moment.

“Well, the first thing you can do is work on your routine. It sucks.”

Victor stared at him, then he broke into a smile. He walked over to Yuri and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Yours is pretty amazing,” he said, gently placing his face into Yuri’s hair and kissing his head.

“Yeah, well you inspired it,” Yuri responded with a slight hint of bitterness.

Victor buried his face in Yuri’s hair, ashamed. Yuri used that moment to shift his head and plant a small kiss on Victor’s lips. He blushed and looked down again. Yuri knew in his heart that this was a chance he had to take again. Being with Victor felt not only familiar, but right. He knew they had a lot to work on, but at that moment, on that morning for the first time in months, Yuri felt truly content.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry, Dominick met up with his out of town "friend" and he's doing well. I love my little OC.


End file.
